Diet Plan

A message for the guy on the treadmill next to me at the gym today:
I hate you.
You were running at 10 times the speed of me and you make me sick. 

Anyway after coming home from the gym and eating a "sharing size" (haha) packet of sensations, I was feeling a little bit unfit - so using nutritional guidlines i've put forward a list of diet rules which from now on I shall be following. Feel free to use it too as I expect it to be very sucessful.

1. One of the most healthy foods you can eat is obviously pizza. Pizza contains all the main food groups.
              -Carbohydrate - Base

              -Vegetables - Tomato Sauce

              -Protein - Pepperoni/chicken/sausage

              -Minerals - Calcium from cheese
2. If you eat something and no one sees you, it has no calories.
3. TV foods have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package.
4. Whole foods are much better for you; Whole pies, whole cakes, whole chickens etc...
5. Everytime you eat a piece of fruit or veg it cancels out an unhealthy food, so make good use of the corn on the cob at KFC.
6. Pieces of biscuit contain no calories, the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.